Up for a game of snakes and blabbers?

Let’s not beat around the bush anymore. 

If there was a fierce black-mouth Mamba slithering toward you right now, would you want me to shh or scream SNAKE? Obviously you would appreciate the heads up, but what if I told you that it was my job to feed that twisted serpent?

Think of that snake as Advertising incarnate. Yes, it is vicious, venomous, treacherous and terrifying, but without it the rats would take over and the owls would vanish. Markets would crash and cultures would crumble. No, it is not fair, or right or kind. It was never supposed to be.

The spine-chilling truth is that there are no burglar bars separating gentle persuasion from ruthless subjugation. Why do you think there are no laws against any form of mind control? Dead bolt up the nose serious! If there were, all the economic machines tearing at the delicate tummy of this planet would come to a grinding halt. That means ta-ta freedom and hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again.

The only way to survive and POSITIVELY THRIVE in this surreal carnival is to embrace the fact that you are the predator and the prey. Both the infectious vampire and the consuming zombie. 

The interweb has flipped the switch on corporate power and the days of mass media games are numbered. From the burnt ashes of the dictatorial blow horns an open two-way dialogue between advertiser and audience now stirs. The quicker we learn to roll with the punches the better the ride gets. Half the fun is proving the “experts” wrong and watching the lazy fibbers squirm.

The future belongs to the con-savvy digital adventurer slowly learning how to avoid irrelevant headlines and spot cosmetic angles from a cyber-mile away. Here are just some of the verbose voodoo to watch out for:

Perverted Logic – Nothing is better than making whoopee. Eating chocolate is better than nothing. Therefore, eating chocolate is better than making whoopee. (Momma said life is like a box of what?)

Deliciously Fallacious – It might taste like the packaging, but our cereal is part of a nutritious breakfast, therefore our cereal is nutritious. (Did you get it at all this morning? Cereal is not nutritious simply because it is part of breakfast.)

Double Binder – Has Robsa Bank made more or less profit since they started bullying the public out of their bus fare? (There are no clever press releases out of this one! If ‘yes’ they are guilty, if ‘no’ they are still guilty. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go and do not collect…)

Ambiguous Ambush – Everything tastes better with real teeth. This sticky black goo is better than everything, ergo fizzy drinks are better than having real teeth. (Why not? Nine out of every 770.5519% of needy dentists agree.)

The Windy Winder – If serving your children nuked rubber from a happy hole in the wall were not illegal, then our freaky meals would not be prohibited by the law. (He-I-He-I-Huh? This a sneaky example of using the claim as evidence because the only evidence is the claim. By the way, they are not one of my clients. Or are they?)

We live in bizarre times and I sincerely hope this little mouthful proves that it is still possible to gently persuade (or at the very least mildly entertain) your audience without resorting to outright deception to make a quick killing. Here abruptly ends my shameless exploitation of your curiosity. And look! Not even one airbrushed anorexic model in sight.

As a Deadly Persuasive Ghost Writer I help solo mavericks and visionary brands grab more eyeballs, touch more hearts, alter more minds, inspire more action and reach fatter wallets more often. I craft irresistible offers and weave engaging stories in tones and styles designed to spark conversations, trigger a positive response and make an unforgettable impact.

My mug may be sporting a devilish grin from my swanky one-man studio in Cape Town, but I live, work and play in the United States of Connectivity. That means I’m open to crazy briefs with ludicrous deadlines over email, fully verified with PayPal and never more than a quick Skype away. If you mean what you say, contact me and I will be happy to say what you mean in way you and your audience won’t soon forget. Drop me a line about your next insane idea today.

Be Good. Be Grand. _e Gone.

P.S. Don’t tell my Mom I work in advertising. She still thinks I’m a pimp at a strip club.

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Spam, spam, wonderful spam!

Ever wondered where the word “spam” comes from?

Spam? Is that when you send lots of irrelevant garbage to people you want to annoy the hell out of? Although we use the word to refer to unsolicited email or network abuse, the term is in fact a portmanteau (vintage slang for combo) of the words “SPiced hAM”, first introduced to mystery meat lovers in 1937.

Can you say Creepy?
Vintage Housewife. I mean old spam ad.

Monty Python invented spam?

When Spam was excluded from the British food rationing during World War II a few hearty Brits decided to speak up. The Spam sketch was recorded on 25 June 1970 and aired on British TV as episode 25 of Monty Python’s Flying Circus. Watch the clip for 132 ways to say Spam!

How the term ‘spammer’ came to be is still shrouded in mystery but there is no doubt it originated on USENET (early web forum meets email that predates the internet by over a decade).

When the internet used to be called Arpanet, university students would send the words of the Monty Python skit to new users and crash their systems in the process. The idea of repeatedly sounding a single useless message over and over again obviously had something to do with it. Nudge, nudge, wink wink, know what I mean? 

In 1978 A salesman (naturally) commissioned a mercenary hacker to write code that would allow him to send his brochure to every user on the system. Gary Thuerk’ message got through and he was tarred and feathered as the first official spammer in history. Gary now calls himself the father of spam and works at Hewlett-Packard…

What about Radio Spam?

“In 1970 Monty Python’s Flying Circus lay in ruins, and then the words on the screen said…
The End.
P.S. If you are satisfied with those answers then so be it, but if you think there is more to it, here is my slightly twisted five cents. The canned product has nothing to do with it. I think the original word featured in the Monty Python song was ‘sperm’ and not ‘spam’…