Up for a game of snakes and blabbers?

Let’s not beat around the bush anymore. 

If there was a fierce black-mouth Mamba slithering toward you right now, would you want me to shh or scream SNAKE? Obviously you would appreciate the heads up, but what if I told you that it was my job to feed that twisted serpent?

Think of that snake as Advertising incarnate. Yes, it is vicious, venomous, treacherous and terrifying, but without it the rats would take over and the owls would vanish. Markets would crash and cultures would crumble. No, it is not fair, or right or kind. It was never supposed to be.

The spine-chilling truth is that there are no burglar bars separating gentle persuasion from ruthless subjugation. Why do you think there are no laws against any form of mind control? Dead bolt up the nose serious! If there were, all the economic machines tearing at the delicate tummy of this planet would come to a grinding halt. That means ta-ta freedom and hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again.

The only way to survive and POSITIVELY THRIVE in this surreal carnival is to embrace the fact that you are the predator and the prey. Both the infectious vampire and the consuming zombie. 

The interweb has flipped the switch on corporate power and the days of mass media games are numbered. From the burnt ashes of the dictatorial blow horns an open two-way dialogue between advertiser and audience now stirs. The quicker we learn to roll with the punches the better the ride gets. Half the fun is proving the “experts” wrong and watching the lazy fibbers squirm.

The future belongs to the con-savvy digital adventurer slowly learning how to avoid irrelevant headlines and spot cosmetic angles from a cyber-mile away. Here are just some of the verbose voodoo to watch out for:

Perverted Logic – Nothing is better than making whoopee. Eating chocolate is better than nothing. Therefore, eating chocolate is better than making whoopee. (Momma said life is like a box of what?)

Deliciously Fallacious – It might taste like the packaging, but our cereal is part of a nutritious breakfast, therefore our cereal is nutritious. (Did you get it at all this morning? Cereal is not nutritious simply because it is part of breakfast.)

Double Binder – Has Robsa Bank made more or less profit since they started bullying the public out of their bus fare? (There are no clever press releases out of this one! If ‘yes’ they are guilty, if ‘no’ they are still guilty. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go and do not collect…)

Ambiguous Ambush – Everything tastes better with real teeth. This sticky black goo is better than everything, ergo fizzy drinks are better than having real teeth. (Why not? Nine out of every 770.5519% of needy dentists agree.)

The Windy Winder – If serving your children nuked rubber from a happy hole in the wall were not illegal, then our freaky meals would not be prohibited by the law. (He-I-He-I-Huh? This a sneaky example of using the claim as evidence because the only evidence is the claim. By the way, they are not one of my clients. Or are they?)

We live in bizarre times and I sincerely hope this little mouthful proves that it is still possible to gently persuade (or at the very least mildly entertain) your audience without resorting to outright deception to make a quick killing. Here abruptly ends my shameless exploitation of your curiosity. And look! Not even one airbrushed anorexic model in sight.

As a Deadly Persuasive Ghost Writer I help solo mavericks and visionary brands grab more eyeballs, touch more hearts, alter more minds, inspire more action and reach fatter wallets more often. I craft irresistible offers and weave engaging stories in tones and styles designed to spark conversations, trigger a positive response and make an unforgettable impact.

My mug may be sporting a devilish grin from my swanky one-man studio in Cape Town, but I live, work and play in the United States of Connectivity. That means I’m open to crazy briefs with ludicrous deadlines over email, fully verified with PayPal and never more than a quick Skype away. If you mean what you say, contact me and I will be happy to say what you mean in way you and your audience won’t soon forget. Drop me a line about your next insane idea today.

Be Good. Be Grand. _e Gone.

P.S. Don’t tell my Mom I work in advertising. She still thinks I’m a pimp at a strip club.

DFBothma.comDFBothma on LinkedinDFBothma on YouTubeDFBothma on Pinterest

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Busted! Celebrity Mugshots

Famous people like you have never seen them before…

Frank Sinatra arrested in 1938 for carrying on with a married woman.

Jazz Diva Billie Holiday arrested in 1947 for possession of narcotics.

Ethel and Julius Rosenberg arrested in 1951 for selling secrets about the atomic bomb to the Soviet Union.

Martin Luther King, Jr. arrested in 1956 during the Montgomery bus boycotts (died on April 04, 1968).

Actor Nick Nolte arrested in 1961 for selling phoney draft cards (vintage fake ID’s to buy booze).

Johnny Cash arrested in 1965 for possession of narcotics.

Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler arrested in 1967 for pot possession.

Mick Jagger arrested in 1967 for possession of narcotics.

Janis Joplin arrested in 1969 for disorderly conduct during a concert.

Jimi Hendrix arrested in 1969 for possession of narcotics.

Jim Morrison arrested in 1970 for indecent exposure and profanity charges.

Eagles guitarist Glenn Frey arrested in 1973 on drug possession and public intoxication.

David Bowie along with Iggy Pop arrested in 1976 for pot possession.

Jerry Lee Lewis arrested in 1976 for public drunkenness and gun possession.

Sex Pistols bassist, Sid Vicious arrested in 1978 for murder. His subsequent drug overdose spared him from conviction.

David Crosby (The Byrds and Crosby, Stills & Nash) arrested in 1982 for gun possession.

John Osbourne (aka Ozzy Osbourne) arrested in 1984 for public intoxication.

Kurt Cobain arrested in 1986 for trespassing while intoxicated.

James Brown arrested in 1988 for aggravated assault, resisting arrest and weapons possession.

Tupac Shakur arrested in 1995 for assault.

Lil’ Kim (aka Kimberly Jones) arrested in 1996 for pot possession.

Guns N’ Roses frontman Axl Rose arrested in 1998 for disturbing the peace?

Rap star Jay-Z (aka Shawn Carter) arrested in 1999 for stabbing a record executive in a nightclub.

Rocker Tommy Lee arrested in 1999 for assault and inciting a riot during a concert

Marshall Mathers, III (aka Eminem) arrested twice in 2000 for carrying a concealed weapon.

Brian Hugh Warner (aka Marilyn Manson) arrrested in 2001 for criminal sexual conduct (dry humping the head of a security guard during a concert).

Stone Temple Pilots frontman Scott Weiland arrested in 2001 for battering his wife.

Actor Joshua Jackson arrested in 2002 for drunkenly assaulting a security guard at a hockey game.

Actor Nick Nolte arrested in 2002 for driving under the influence (of a bad hair day).

Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong arrested in 2003 for driving under the influence.

The King of Pop, Michael Jackson arrested in 2003 for child molestation.

Music producer Phil Spector (minus wig) arrested for murder in  2003.

Actor Gary Dourdan arrested in 2008 for drug possession. (Obviously not a fan of CSI…)

Actress Heather Locklear arrested in 2008 for driving under the influence of drugs.

Country music icon Willie Nelson arrested in 2010 for pot possession.

Rapper Ja Rule (aka Jeffrey Atkins) arrested in 2011 for gun possession and tax evasion.